updates...

Wow, ok so a lot has happened since this last post. We are not yet pregnant, but I've reached a sense of peace about it. More on that in a second...

To start things off I had to have a laparoscopy/hysteroscopy/fluid flushing/d&c in the middle of January. What ultrasounds back in Sept and Nov picked up ended up being a huge mass of ovarian cysts mixed in with endometriosis. While they were in there and I was under they decided to also scrape out any uterine polyps and check to make sure my tubes were open by flushing fluid through them. I found out at my pre-op appt 2 days prior to the surgery that worse case scenario they'd have to remove my ovaries and if my tubes were blocked it would mean a hysterectomy.

So needless to say I went into the surgery a little nervous, but thankfully everything was open and they were able to remove all the cysts/endometriosis. After the surgery, my doctor debated about putting me on Lupron which causes your reproductive system to shut down (like a premenopausal state) to kill off any remaining endometrial cells, but after reviewing the pathology report decided against it and I remained on Clomid.

Last month I had my bloodwork re-checked and found out that my progesterone levels still are not high enough so they increased my Clomid to 150mg. I think this will be the last increase, and bloodwork was checked again today. If it's still not high enough I think we're on to the fertility center.

Like I said, I've somehow been able to find peace in all of this. I've started, or attempted to start, an infertility group at our church, but with the fickle nature of this disorder it's a little slow in starting up. I've been able to have some really wonderful conversations with remarkable women who either are going through, or have gone through, infertility. There's definitely a community of us out there and it's helped me cope to be able to talk with them.

I can't say that I don't still get sad, and I still question why at times, but ultimately I've realized that God has a plan for Jason and I, and we will be parents someday. God has a child (or children) picked out for us whether they're ours biologically or not. I've realized that this is not a race or rush, and I'm learning to just enjoy the time that Jason and I have with each other, just the 2 of us.

In the middle of all of this, Jason's brother and wife had their little girl. Taylor Morgan was born on March 1st, about 2 weeks early, and ironically enough on her daddy's birthday. She is absolutely precious and we are so thrilled for them! The process of seeing her and holding her has actually been much easier than I thought it would be. At one point the 4 of us adults were eating dinner after Taylor had just come home from the hospital and was asleep in the other room. I completely forgot that there was a child in the house and momentarily panicked when I remembered. I realize you don't forget when it's your own child, but that panicked feeling made me really see how life changing a child is.

But anyway, I will try and do a better job of updating... I can't promise that'll happen since I'm not really the writer in the family, but I'll try. :)

Megan

1 year= infertile

So in the next couple weeks we'll approach 1 year of trying to get pregnant. At one year we can 'officially' say we are infertile and suffer infertility problems. That word, infertile, has been a tough one to swallow. I initially would cry anytime I said it or thought of myself that way. It's becoming easier to handle and accept and I'm beginning to embrace this infertility process as the path God is choosing to lead us down. I still cry, quite often really, but I rest in knowing there is a reason for all of this. A reason that I don't and can't understand, but a reason that will be revealed in time.

Christmas-time

Ok, so this has been a month, or couple months of ups and downs. We found out with the last blood check that my progesterone levels are high enough on the Clomid that we don't have to go back for more checks. We'll stay on the Clomid course for 6 mo total.

We also found out that the possible cyst/endometriosis on my ovary has increased in size just a little so I'm going to have to have a laparoscopy to remove it- scheduled for January 12th. They'll go in, remove anything that needs removed as well as check for polyps and shoot dye through my fallopian tubes to double check that they're working and open. It's just an out patient procedure and I'll be able to go home that day. Our hopes are that the dr's are able to find whatever it is they need to find and this will help in getting pregnant.

With all of that being said, I completely hit my breaking point this month. I broke down more times that I can count, some with Jason there to comfort me, some in my car driving. I am so tired of crying but somehow the tears just keep coming. I spent my days leading up to Christmas worrying about what family members would say. Would they comment on how our brother and sister-in-law are pregnant and we're not? Would they ask questions about why we haven't had kids yet or when were we going to start trying? And how, would I ever be able to answer those questions without breaking down? Thankfully, none of those were asked. All my worrying was for nothing and the celebrations were wonderful.

Somehow through this I was able to find peace. I finally accepted that this is not a 'quick-fix' problem and we're in it for a longer haul that I originally thought and hoped. I think for a long time I wanted to 'catch up' to those friends and family members that got pregnant as we were trying and that's just not going to happen. I was finally able to rest in God's peace and His timing.

fall...

Fall is definitely my favorite time of year. You just can't beat the amazing colors that leaves turn and the cooler weather and of course the return of the pumpkin spice latte (as well as pumpkin spice creamer).

In the span of time since the last post Jason and I are both a year older....he's handling his change in the tens place well and I feel like mine came and went without any difference. We're just a few weeks from the rush of the Holiday season and that'll bring a whole other level of stress and excitement! It's crazy how early people and stores and cities think they need to start decorating for Christmas. Most of our towns have lights on the lampposts and have them lit every night...I'm a firm believer in waiting to decorate the weekend of Thanksgiving- I need to fully experience one holiday before beginning another.

As for dr. news I have now been on Clomid for 2 months. The first dose of 50mg did not help to increase my progesterone so they upped me to 100mg this month. We're in that dreaded 2-week waiting period so of course my emotions are all over the place. One day (or even one minute) I think we are pregnant and in the next I am positive that we're not. It's amazing to me how quickly you can forget how horrible the emotional highs and lows of all this are. Every month brings it all back like I've never experienced it before. I had bloodwork drawn today to check my progesterone levels so with every spare second I have I'm praying that they have increased enough! We're both feeling positive about this month, but through these past 10 months I've learned to be cautious as well. All I know for sure is that it is completely out of my hands!

doctors and sewing

So, an update on the latest in doctor news is in order. After being on Prometrium for a couple months I started noticing things weren't right and that the length in between cycles wasn't long enough so I went back to the doctor. She ran a series of tests: ultrasound (normal with a possible cyst to go back and look at in 8-10 wks), bacteria test (negative), and bloodwork. It turns out the prometrium was not raising my progesterone levels high enough so she started me on prometrium twice a week until the other results came back. So I've been doubling my dose for a week or so now and am still showing signs of shortened cycles. Since that is still going on and all other tests came back negative we're going to switch to Clomid. I haven't gotten the final word on that, or begun taking it yet, but multiples here we come!!!


So, all this led to the new sewing hobby, the purchase of a machine of my own, and the first project...a pillow.
Jason thinks it's crazy, but I had extra fabric left over from his curtains, so now he has a throw pillow for the reading nook in his room. I think it turned out pretty well...could have been better, but not bad for a first attempt. A friend and I are going to a really cheap (but good) fabric store this weekend to pick out stuff for curtains (my house and hers) and a duvet cover for my guest bed. In order to make room to sew we have now moved the guest room into where the office was...I'll post pics once it's finished!