good news, blah news, but overall hope renewed

Ok, so this past month has been a struggle for me. We started on Prometrium and had to wait 2 weeks before I had another blood test to see if it was working. During that time we went on with things like normal. I didn't feel a difference from the increase in hormones except that I am sleeping wonderfully; Jason would disagree. He says I became a bit more moody, but he handled it well.

After I had the blood draw I knew I'd have to wait awhile to get the results back. That week of waiting was probably one of my biggest falls from, and restore in hope with this whole process. Our sermon at church last week summed up this whole process so far for me. What I took from it was that God plants little seeds of hope in us. It is not up to us to determine when those seeds will grow and bloom; it's up to us to allow the seed to live in us and wait for God. While waiting we will encounter moments of fear, moments of despair, and ultimately we try to take things into our own hands and into our own calendar of time.

I realized that was me. In the span of a week I was feeling fear of this never working, loss of hope, and was beginning to try and form my own timeline of how long I was going to give this to work (remember, we are on the first month of this). After Sunday's message, I began to think about things differently and it's taking some work, but I'm beginning to view all of this differently. I've been talking with a friend who is going through her own struggles with pregnancy and it's helped having her ear. I've also realized that as much as I thought I had given full control of this situation to God, I hadn't, and I was trying to regain as much control as I could. I've once again let that control go, and when I start to freak out I just think of my little seed living in me and I know that God has it timed out.

So, the good news- the Prometrium is working! I went from a count of 5 last month to 21 this month!

The blah news- we're not pregnant yet...

BUT the hope is there, and it will all work out according to God's timeline, not ours.